I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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