nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
