When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
