I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
