On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize