I think my fart just growled at me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize