my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
