dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
