if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
