new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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