I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
