as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Damn victory sex feels great
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
