I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
