Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How external is "for external use only"?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
