Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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