I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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