genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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