i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Randomize
