but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
