Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I didn't notice because vodka
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
