New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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