Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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