god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
4 words: hood of his car
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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