How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
