Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
