My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
