people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
