mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
