even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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