as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
