i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
