i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I believe in your delicious
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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