my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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