I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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