I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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