theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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