i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
