I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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