I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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