Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
