all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
