Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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