somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize