is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
