I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
