He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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