i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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