I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
