My room smells like vodka and shame
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
