My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
