I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
