so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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