Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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