Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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