I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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