Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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