Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
