I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize