this beer tastes like vomit already
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
